Always I encounter thoughts and memories that I think are worth sharing. I do have the time to blog; it's just that I end up convincing myself that it is probably not something I should post online. Not that I am conscious of my privacy, but it's like a routine that I come up with a lot of thoughts, filter what's interesting and what's not, ask myself a handful of questions, 'til I am convinced that nothing is blog-worthy. Sometimes I find it useless to even go through the process of it when I know I won't be satisfied until I am finally convinced that it should stay elsewhere but online. I've come up with a few reasons why this constant gollum-esque conflict always happens to me (because I've been watching too much LOTR movies, I'm loving Gollum's character I have to coin a term. geek mode on fuckers. and i'm pretty sure that a week from now i am going to regret that I wrote that).
First, I think I am too conscious about my writing skills. Always and ever will be. I am not fishing compliments here. I just know how I've always felt with how I write. Being surrounded and being close friends with good and soon-to-be professional writers, I often compare myself to them. I decided to blog to improve my skills and to further widen my vocabulary (so high school, but seriously.) while having fun, but it seems like I'm moving the opposite direction. Because I constantly find myself conscious, I often think that I should rather not write. It's not as comfortable for me as it is for others, writing. But I find it such an important tool to voice out what I think of and what I feel.
Second, I prefer "new" and "interesting" topics. Of course, it brings great pleasure to myself if I reread what I write and they're at the least presentable. I don't want to come off as someone who thinks of myself as a great thinker, founder of a new idea, when in fact everyone else had thought of it already. I don't want to write about something obvious to everyone, but how am I supposed to know what's already obvious to everyone? I also like making theories about everything. But I don't like imposing them to others. It's being cautious not to put it online so as not to be misinterpreted. That's why I end up posting personal experiences, preferences, and no opinions. I'm probably a pacifier if that's a defense mechanism.
Third, I am lazy. Short and simple. I don't know how else I could justify this, but it's usually what hinders me from writing. Blogging is not as easy as others think it is, or maybe for me it's not easy. You think of things to write, you write, you write, you write more, you proofread, and in between all those are the tv shows you want to watch, munching on your munchies and with every bite you lose your train of thought because you focus on your hunger. I chose to blog for leisure. I blog when I enjoy it. When I don't, I don't. But there's something about writing that makes me want to be good at it.
Fourth, I would also appreciate it if other people would enjoy reading my blogs. It's not a big deal since blogging is just recreational, something for my own amusement, but it's a good (at the same time bad) basis of how presentable my blog is. When I start thinking if whether other people would even bother reading all these (which I think they won't), then in my mind I am thinking that's it's blog-able. I am considering it. But when I think of the readers, I go back to my cycle of rethinking and rethinking until I convince myself not to blog it. And again, because I often write about my personal experiences, who the hell cares about my experiences?
I guess it's just a matter of overcoming insecurities and laziness, and reminding myself of the main purpose why I am blogging. It's not just for my blogging issues that I have to get over those.
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